The Anatomy of Letting Go: Chapter 1 - An Overview

We run on trails; roads; up hills; down hills; some of us fast; some of us slow.  We love half marathons; marathons; ultras.  We hate 5Ks but secretly love them.  We wake up to run in the wee hours of the morning before you clog our roads with your cars.  We don't drink, we hydrate; we don't eat food, we watch our nutrition.  We fuel our bodies.  We pee often because our water intake is superb.  We don't tolerate silly questions like "why do you run?" from the non-believers. We scoff at the dent you have put in your couch watching TV and walk with our sense of superiority because our lifestyle is BETTER THAN YOURS.  WE ARE RUNNERS. 

.. until we aren't.

This entry was supposed to be the race report from my first marathon.  Obviously it isn't.  I'm injured.  I hate that word.  An injury is something tangible like a broken arm.  Something that requires a cast or a bandaid.  But I don't have anything to point to.  No cool neon-colored hardened plaster is covering my injury.  Just an aura of self-doubt, self-pity, and stupidity.  I have rejoined the general population. 

I have been "blessed" with a glimpse into my old life and given a fresh perspective on this lifestyle (becoming a runner) that I have chosen.  I started running because I felt the need to change.  I was getting fat, sleeping and drinking too much and recognized that I was unhappy.  I had recently made a big career change and had grasped the concept of "if you don't like something, do something about it".  Eventually, my reasons for running evolved as most things do I guess.  They became way too emotional and I used it as a justification for things .. and those "things" took over and I forgot how beautiful it was when I ran my first 5K and my first half marathon.  Those two days were so much more satisfying than the day I ran my 11th half marathon 32min faster than my first one.

Today, after .25 miles on the treadmill I can still feel a pull in my calves that isn't supposed to be there.  It's like I don't know how to do it anymore.  Crazy frustrating.   I'm having one of those "I can't do anything right" moments and it's lasting longer than I'm comfortable with. So humor me, and let's go back to the beginning. 

It's very possible this whole thing started in July of 2010.  I was coming back from about 5mos off and was trying to pick right back up where I started from.  I ran a 20K and a 25K way too soon and without enough training and went straight into speed work.  All the while, I was in search of a shoe. I had a little "kink" in my right ankle that wouldn't go away so I went to see a podiatrist who told me there was no reason to stop running. In fact, he said "stop favoring it and let's try to find you a better shoe".  That never happened and I kept on running.  Then it was in my calf.  Then my knee.  Then my hip.  Then the arch of my foot.  Then my shin. 

I would put my running shoes on in the morning and think, "I wonder how long I can run today before it hurts".  I would come home and ice my shins after 3 miles.  Now, I see where your mind is going with this.  "Um, hullo .. go to a doctor."  And my only answer to that is I DID and I got nowhere. Not to mention I don't have health insurance nor the extra cash to toss at different doctors hoping this guy is the one that can help me. Besides.  I'm a massage therapist .. I know everything I need to know.  #sarcasm

So it's almost a year later and I'm about to hit the point of no return in my marathon training plan.  Yep, that's right.  I decided to train for a marathon when 3 miles required ice.  (Man, nothing puts shit in perspective like reading it in black and white). It's August 2011 and I meet Marci and Corina at White Rock Lake for 15 miles.  This training run turned out to be pretty pivotal.  We were discussing this "thing" in my leg (oh, did I mention by now it wasn't just my right leg anymore, it was both legs?) and Corina asked, "so, do you think if you stopped running for a while it would stop hurting?"  Can you imagine what my answer was?  "Nah, I don't think it's that serious, I just can't seem to find a shoe that's right for my foot".  AFTER A YEAR OF SEARCHING, I COULDN'T FIND A SHOE THAT DIDN'T MAKE MY FEET/LEGS/HIPS HURT.  And you know what, not one person ever said to me, "Honey, it ain't the shoe, it's you". 

Later on that afternoon I was thinking about my answer to Corina's question and I couldn't believe how ridiculous I sounded.  Of course it would get better if I rested. So here I am, January 2012, and I haven't been able to run 2 miles at a time since that day.  Some days I'm lucky if I can get one full mile.  I bailed on my marathon (and my friend Kelly); I've seen a couple different doctors - both helped in very different ways; and I've put my legs in the hands of a trusted friend and mentor.  All of these things have brought me here and if you're up for it, I'm gonna tell you all about it.